Monday, October 13, 2008

Little Green Monster

An amazing fact: Jealousy is probably the most prevalent feeling amongst my relationships.

Now, everyone will read that and say, "Dude, that's not cool. You can't be jealous. You have to be indifferent, stoic in your feelings." What do I have to say to that? Nothing. I agree with almost everything they say. No healthy relationship can have the distrust that jealousy brings about. Maybe this alone could explain my current several year stint of bachelorhood? Now to attempt to best explain why these ideas and feelings exist within me.

Have you ever had that sinking suspicion that you're not the coolest and most fun person around? My jealousy derives itself from these questions. How else can you explain possibly being jealous of her gay guy-friends? It's because you feel as if that she enjoys her time with them more than with you. From there the jealousy just festers and grows till the point that you snap and visibly become jealous thus throwing the girl into conniptions.

After reading the last paragraph, you may try giving your pseudo-psychological analysis on my possible low self-esteem. I agree that I'm not the most cocky, arrogant prick around. I find the whole 'belief in oneself' theory as a narcissistic and pretentious attitude to take towards life. Personally, if I could, I'd probably punch every person with this egotistical arrogance in the face. What makes them such a God-send? If they can top my list of achievements in life then be my guest at bragging and acting better than me cause you are, but until then shut up (it's this attitude that leads me to believe that it's not my feelings of low esteem).

Maybe I should assume this demeanor of ego? I keep my mouth shut about so many things purely based on the moral of humility. I know what I've done and I'm proud of it. No sense running around gallivanting about them. But when flunking business majors with zero athletic ability and with even less motivation in their career are able to seduce women with purely their arrogance in NOTHING, then I'm staring down quite the predicament. While girls say what they want is this and this, they completely act differently. Girls in and of themselves are the most mysterious paradigm.

Wow, so the rant has flipped. I've started with myself and now have been able to 180 it back to girls. Anyways, I know this is probably the most nonlinear line of thinking. This comes from the fact that this is a rant and I'm just writing things as they come to me. Allow me to finish by telling the story of what brought about this rant:

On Friday night I took a girl out to see a movie. We have gone on several 'unofficial' dates and there was an obvious attraction to each other along with the given public displays of said affection. After the movie ended, I received a phone call from fellow workmates who were out and about the town. They wanted to meet the girl that was able to get me to shut up and go on a date (I'm quite the cynic on relationships). I ask my date and she seems more than willing to hang with my friends.

The night is going awesome. All my friends are loving my date and she is getting along great with everyone. Then comes the whole friend of a friend situation. Let's call him Foaf. Anyways, I notice that this fellow is attempting to bust-a-move with my date while on the dance floor. I remain cool. It's the dance floor, you're supposed to dance with other people. My friend comes up and mentions something about Foaf and how I need to go 'stake my claim' on my date. This seems preposterous to me because I thought it was kind of already assumed that, since there was visible PDA. Apparently, I was delaing with another cocky SoB.

I go to the dance floor several times whenever the mood stuck but never out of a jealous-driven reason. I went cause I found myself dancing to the song being played. Fast forward the hour or two to when we're walking back to my friends place. Foaf decides this is the perfect opportunity to upstage me with my date. I let them be. I just keep repeating to myself, "I will not be jealous. I have nothing to be jealous about."

We spend 30 minutes at my friends before I drive everyone home. This Foaf guy is relentless. His flirting ranges from the apparent following her around to spilling water on her pants. I've had about enough of the fellow but what do I say or do? "I won't be jealous." He follows us out and at some point must of swapped numbers with my date. "I won't be jealous." Then he immediately starts texting her as I'm driving her home. "I have nothing to be jealous about." She doesn't respond but here's what happened due from that night:

My date is an extremely friendly, flirtateous type that is best defined as having a free spirit. I don't know her extremely well. Was this just an innocent act or do I actually have something to be jealous about? I decide to try an experiment. I text her the next day while she is with friends, just to see how her day has gone. She doesn't text back. All of the sudden, I become the person being ignored. Did I so quickly assume that role the other guys assume when she's with someone? Do I have something to be jealous about? Do I have the reason to not trust her? Cue distrust.

Stupid feelings...

1 comment:

sayruh :) said...

that sucks........... im sorry.. let me dwell on the story some....before i give my input...